Obese fatty will very likely go to prison EOY - need to lose weight fast

This might be the most moronic thread ever posted on here, but here I go

Long story short, I am a white collar criminal, and will very likely be sent of to prison end of year (out on bail rn but the eta for my case to be done is EOY and it's very likely I serve at least a year in prison according to my lawyers)

Anyway, the crux of my issue is that I am obese, 450 pounds to be exact. And I am worried that when I go to prison it's going to be much harder for me because I am fat.

So I have resolved to lose as much weight as physically possible before the end of year. I am already down like 30 pounds (i just weight myself I'm about 420 pounds right now) because of the stress of the whole situation, so I guess that is a good start, but would like to accelerate this process (that was after about 1.5 months)

Any tips? should I just stop eating? Im gonna be poor as frick very soon anyway so at least that will save me money

Nothing Ever Happens Shirt $21.68

Ape Out Shirt $21.68

Nothing Ever Happens Shirt $21.68

  1. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Lift and lose weight and you will be a scary motherfricker, eat low cal high protein (eggs are cheap)

  2. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Realistically speaking you have two choices: go on with your plan or get so morbidly obese they're gonna have to put you in a cell by yourself (comfy af) or just refuse to let you in because you might croak any minute. I have no idea how it works in your country but where I am these would be viable options.

  3. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    Oh come on at least tell us what you did.

    • 1 month ago
      Anonymous

      Money laundering mostly, for bad people

      What worries me tho is I won't be put in minimum security prison (at least I think) because I did it for a criminal enterprise. My lawyers think minimum will be medium security or if I can negotiate maybe more time in a low security facility. Anyways yea Im worried ill be fricked in prison if I can't lose the weight and be somewhat active. I suspect i will drop a lot of pounds in prison anyway

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Well look on the bright side, with an ass like yours they'll never be able to penetrate you.
        The whale that you are is never going to lose enough to be fit by the end of the year.

      • 1 month ago
        Anonymous

        Isn't max security safer as far as inmate on inmate violence is concerned? That would be my biggest fear.

        • 4 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          Max security means violent behavior is common

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        >mostly
        you have a record, dont you

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Get so fat when the other inmates try to frick you they can't find your butthole and end up fricking a fat fold

  4. 1 month ago
    Anonymous

    fall down the steps tonight, try not to hurt yourself too bad but make sure you leave some marks and call an ambulance and get admitted. if your lawyer is worth a dime he'll keep you out of prison because the state is unable to humanely house a digusting fat pig

  5. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Prison is easy if you're not moronic.
    >Don't borrow things from people or owe money for hooch or drugs or to the store man in your cell block (don't be a fricking fatty and run up a bill on cup noodles because you can't control yourself.)
    >Don't talk shit about people or start drama or gossip and don't pretend you did something more serious than you did
    >Don't hang around the COs for long periods of time or spend a bunch of time looking friendly with them or write a bunch of request forms so you don't get confused of being a rat
    >Do generally hold the door for people and be polite.

    All you need to know. Generally speaking people are a lot more polite in prison than irl because if you aren't you'll be checked.
    If you really have an issue with someone just check yourself in to the box by refusing to lock in.

    Honestly the best thing you can do to prep for prison is to learn common card games like spades or pinochle, since people aren't always willing to teach you but if you know it they'll usually let you play, and this is how you'll make bros and find people who will show you the ropes.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      What happens if I drop the soap in the shower?
      And should I avoid people of other races?
      And can you get shanked if you snore?

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        1 nothing will happen if you drop the soap
        2: disregard #1 if it happens around "people" of other races
        #3 don't snore too loud use a cloth over your mouth

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Knock the soap out of someone's hands to draw the Bucks attention away from your coinslot

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        Rape is rare. Your going to get beaten up before you get your ass fricked.
        There are plenty of fatties in prison. If your really unhealthy you might get put in a unit closer to the medical unit.
        Just be cool, don't borrow stuff and assume anyone whose friendly wants something. If you're autistic you're going to struggle to work out the unspoken rules.

        I worked in a prison for a little bit. V depressing place.

        • 4 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          >Rape is rare.
          Even if I was king of the jungle in that environment, I can't imagine getting it up for another dude's anus. Surely beating off is preferable to raping another prisoner.

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            I think it's more of a power play.

      • 4 weeks ago
        Anonymous

        If you live like a stoic and follow the advice I gave you and don't get into financial or social entanglements, you will be fine, and in retrospect realize the worst part was worrying about it and not jail itself, which is mostly just extremely boring.
        Most of the time rape happens when you owe people for shit.
        Don't owe anyone for anything. Neither borrower or lender be.

        • 4 weeks ago
          Anonymous

          What if a gang orders me to do a hit on a chomosexual on the first day?

          • 4 weeks ago
            Anonymous

            You're a fatass accountant. Don't worry fatso, you're not first draft material for the squad.

  6. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    On the plus side, if you're morbidly obese you're less likely to be raped. I think.

  7. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Tommy Robinson lost shitloads of weight in prison just by eating a can of tuna and an orange a day, cos the other inmates couldn't spit in it

  8. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >I am a white collar criminal
    Sounds like you're going to Club Fed you fricking homosexual, it's more like a cheap motel full of other dudes just like you than whatever nightmare you're thinking of.

    I hope I'm wrong and you die though. The other anons who come through asking about prison prep are less gay.

  9. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    You're not going to lose the weight in time, so best plan is to behave like Nikocado Avocado when you go inside. Entertain your cellmates by howling "IT'S...YOUR FAULT!" and throwing your slider at their heads. When you get served your meal, demand "WHERE'S THE CHEESE???" Do a funny dance wearing a CPAP.

  10. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Good, I hope you get raped you piece of shit

  11. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Just watch Big Herc's prison guides on youtube. May cure some of your anxiety, even if some of it is exaggerated. Remember that most people are exaggerating and only sharing extreme examples because they've never done anything in their lives of merit and have no way to flex other than pretending to be hard.

  12. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Alyssa Bustamante put on lots of weight after 3 years in prison.

  13. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    You'll drop the pounds in prison, fatty. Just spend all your free time lifting weights in there.

  14. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Typical morning in prison

  15. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    First thing you gotta remember OP is PAPERWORK and HOOP THAT SHIT

  16. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    I went to prison at 380lb. First thing I did, to prove I was no sissy, was shout "Alright you Black folk, I'm 100% 'wood...frick with me, I'll kick your black ass!" They all went "RESPECK!" and everyone cheered.

  17. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Fast for 12 months homie. Water, sea salt and magnesium is all you need.

    • 4 weeks ago
      Anonymous

      moron

  18. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    Like other anons have said, keep to yourself and don’t get involved in drama/bullshit.

    But at the same time don’t take shit from anyone, even if it means defending yourself.

  19. 4 weeks ago
    Anonymous

    >need to lose weight? fast.
    FTFY.
    Btw good luck lardo. Remember to show heart the second someone calls you b***h breasts.

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *